Hikaru Utada - COLORS

Original upload: 22nd of June at the morning.

This actually looks like a cover for a new book. Maybe the title was "I am the color you do not know."

Those days...I was buying some magazines. Very interesting. For example the new Neon " Freunde prägen uns fürs Leben, im Großen wie im Klein." It is important to have many different friends, cause if you just have "clones of yourself" you can not learn to be different, you can not be colorful.

The one has much temperament, the other is funny, some melodramatic, some creative, some brave...and so on. But I can learn much of them. It feels like they are completing me. Although there were many fights sometimes, it feels still good to know all of them. ^u^ The one you love should have the same heartbeat, but your friends should be different. ^^b

Yea, but to some of them it might be better not meeting me or talking to me. They never did say clearly "Hey, damn, you are hurting me with what you do." But in the end I think it is like I said. But they should have known that I am different. They can scream at me and calling me names...I will like and love them forever. But sometimes I wish they would have told me earlier. I need clear words like: "Fuck, you hurted me in this and that! Please take care of my feelings in future."

Cause if I can not trust friends or fam, whom could I trust else?

Another magazine "Zeit Wissen" was talking about making mistakes. It was writing about the theme I was thinking bout last days. So even people are doing stupid mistakes that even would do harm to me, I would just still like them the way I did before. They are totally right and this is exactly how I am gonna see it:




" How can we learn from mistakes, if we close our eyes? To learn from a situation, we need clear instructions and open eyes. First we need to admit to our faults. But what is the best way? We need to do a balance between denial of reality and self-bashing. The answer is: "I have failed, but I am no failure." Trial and Error is a good book to explore that matter.

Years ago I was like: Fighting fire with fire. If the one was screaming at me, I screamed back. If the other was calling me names, I did the same. If the other was ambiguous and unkind, I was the same to them. Really was stupid.

Now I do not mind, if someone is mean to me or unfriendly or calling me names...fire with water, cause I am an never ending ocean. I was not giving compliments, till I got one. <-< Very stupid, cause it was not like I felt inside.

I really mixed admission with love and care. You have to MERIT admission, but you get love and care for FREE.

In many situations tried to get admission. ^^° For example when I was buying things for others. I did this in early childhood too. It was like "Buying someones love" ^^° Very naive. Either humans like you as you are or they do not. And when I stopped to give things to others...many people still liked me, cause I am what I am. And I am going to save lots of money. LOL XD

Some things are complicated sometimes. For example, once I said: "I am not going out with other men, cause I do not let them wanna think that I want something of them. Don't want their heart, don't wanna give my heart away, cause my heart only belongs to you. I can not love the others. And I am afraid, that you might think I love them." (Go out was like: Having a dinner or talking together) My family did learn me: If you go out with a MAN...this is love. If you go out with not the man you love, you are like a hore. So you can imagine how afraid I was, when I have seen men with a lots of other women...cause I learned to see it like my fam did. Now I know that this kind of thought was very stupid. ^^°







The Weight of Love by Udiah

I once was asked concerning love versus hate
Why does it seem that hate is so great?
While hate is a very strong emotion too
Nothing can equal love that is true

The weight of hate is very heavy to bear
While it seems like love is lighter than air
Accounts of hate make a big news headline
While actions of love you must look hard to find

But when you consider that love is patient, kind,
Envieth not, not pompous, not puffed up, not rude,
Seeketh not her own, slow to anger, thinks no evil,
Rejoices not in wrong doing, but rejoices in the truth,
Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,
Endures all things, and never fails*

You soon learn that the density of love is so much,
Although the scales be heaped with a great volume of hate
It's catapulted by a mere measure of love's touch,
Love strengthens the bearer so one feels not its weight



(This pic let me remember to a boy who stood there all in grey at the shore, crying, cause he seemed to be left alone, so he was filling many colors over his head...now I am filling colors to my grey world)

(This is currently one of my favourite pics...cause it expresses so much of my feelings...and it should look like I was an asian girl)