This idea was half-stolen, cause I loved this picture with the water drops on the plant. But I wanted to create a mixture out of his idea and mine. Contrasts...red autumn leaf, with the shape of a heart and the green plants.
To the concept:
Wanna give myself so much in.
Really wished that some people would be more stubborn for example by looking at me. I wanted to give in, I wanted
to look into someones eyes, till my feelings melt. This is what I really wish.
Really wish to feel and not to control and hide my heart.
I wanna show my fears, my sadness, my happiness...wanna share it with other humans. Feeling this for just myself was
very easy, but sharing it with others was not so easy. Now I know why they called me a "runaway". I run away from
my own deep self, cause I was afraid that they might not accept what I really was.
I was quite the opposite of
what I told them, what I wrote...what I have shown. Was not strong, but just afraid. Just sometimes, when there was no thoughts, no fears, my true
self was catching a breath. I was giving myself in.
This really is not easy for me...but I wanna trust all of you. I show what there really is.
In my early childhood
I did all for having peace within the community, within my fam. I did not show any feeling, no sadness, no wantings,
no fears. Just nothing. Wanted to be "perfect" cause I wanted a big peaceful community.
But now I see it different...it is important that every one shows who they are in the inside. We should all be
what we really are in the inside. I was not, my mom and my dad were not. We all have hidden our true selfes, just for a fake peace.
How could we have been peaceful, while hating ourselves for not letting our heart go
I really loved it so much, that vietnam was screaming at me, telling me directly her feelings, that she was
hurted bout what I did. I thank her for her heart. Mi told me directly, that she did not felt any deeper
realation to me, I thank her for her honesty. And for china...I can not discribe how I feel or how I should
thank. It feels strange, cause sometimes it feels like he was me...but I deeply thank him for fighting
for hisself. Showing me when he was angry or sad. They all trusted me very much, cause they have shown me their feelings. I wanna trust them too.
Remember all the time...before. Who was coming and calling me? Who said: Come to us and lets cook. I was
never extroverted. I was afraid of asking if it was possible to be with all of you. Of course I wanted
to be with all of you, but I was filled with fears of a "NO" we don't wanna have you with us. That is
why I did not have had the courage to call in many cases. I just prefered to write people.
I met other people who have given me the feeling of "You are always wellcomed" They called me many times and that
is what was giving me feeling of "I trust you." Of course we had bad times, sometimes, but she called me some days later and we did clear it in a cafe and everything was fine again. She was giving me the feeling
"Ok, damn you made a mistake, but I give you a chance to understand me, give you a chance to make
it better next time. Yes I am mad. I am showing you. But I called you to clear it, that we can both
walk on happily together."
This is how I want it to be. I want people to tell me how they felt with my bad habits, want them to
explain, I want to understand them, wanna make things from wrong to right. Like a lotus-heart...bad
can come, dirt can come, but I have the strength to clean myself and clear the situations. ^^b
Everyone can be what they wanna be.